fathers day

Jun. 18th, 2017 11:09 am
turbogrrl: (Default)
[personal profile] turbogrrl
In many ways it feels harder than mothers day. It's a loss of something I can't provide; I feel broken and inadequate.

And it's complicated. My parents are well on the path to dementia, and they won't let me be involved in their medical care. (well, except paying for it, I guess.) I should get dressed and go up to gettysburg but I really just want to sit on the couch and cry.

And I'll text jeremy and wish him a happy fathers day in the afternoon but I probably won't get an answer. As usual our last visit out to LA went completely off the rails. The night before we were leaving we were all piling in the car for dinner (because yes, apparently 5 adults have to cram into a single car together, rather than taking two cars), and it takes a while because it's impossible to get buckled if everyone sits in the backseat first. So I'm standing outside the car while Linda and Kitty get buckled, and as I am half in and half out of the car Jeremy puts the car in drive and starts driving. We all shout to stop, and he does, but he completely loses it and starts screaming at me to never fucking shout at him, etc. Nick yells at him to stop screaming at me, K & L pretend like nothing has happened, and Jeremy drives like a maniac to dinner. And that was that for Jeremy speaking directly to me. He didn't even get out of the car to hug nick goodbye at the airport. Somehow, I still haven't figured out how-- his trying to drive off without me and with both back doors of the car open was all my fault.

No one asked if I was ok.

The problem, of course, is that in the heat of the moment the brain doesn't really understand what is going on. My brain knew I was losing my balance, and tried to correct for it, which really meant that I was trying to stop several thousand pounds of car from moving, with a single leg on the ground. That first night I hurt on my entire left side from my ankle to my neck. By the time I got home it was mostly just my knee that hurt.

So, the good news is that almost three weeks later, my knee doesn't hurt all of the time. It's still twingey and unstable at times but I haven't sprained my ankle and I can still walk to work as long as I pay attention to how I walk. The first week was painful every time I took a step, but it felt like it was all soft tissue damage rather than ligament. Being in the middle of a fertility treatment cycle I didn't want to get an xray or MRI. Couldn't take advil because advil causes miscarriages and implantation problems. Also I was still trying to figure out how i might explain a car-accident-that-wasn't to a doctor in a way that wouldn't cause my health insurance to try and go after my father in laws insurance.

I stewed on it for a few days, and then decided that however hurt I might be (jesus, they'd ask a stranger if they were ok, but apparently actively could not give a fuck about me), I would suck it up and reach out. So I sent mail to linda, basically saying that monday had gone off the rails and that didn't seem normal-- was anything wrong? were they ok? is there anything I could help with?

aaand, nothing. no response.

Nick and I had our six year anniversary last week, and I sent a group text with light hearted pic of dinner, and a cute pic I had found from our wedding, and our standard joke of "I guess I'll keep him."

... nope, crickets. no "happy anniversary", no "why are you sending a pic of a fish", no "we said no returns"... nothing.

and, of course, one can't help remembering that jeremy has multiple times over the years publicly said that he couldn't give a shit about me except as a path to grandchildren. His idea of humor, mostly. Or... perhaps just the base truth? Now he's taken to stating that kitty's dog is his grandkid, which you know feels *great*.

So yeah. I've apparently irreparably torpedoed any relationship I might have with my inlaws, I am an utter failure at trying to get and stay pregnant, and there is nothing I can do to make my parents get better. No wonder dying of heart failure seems net neutral.

Happy fucking fathers day.

Edit: I did get a thank you, and later they sent us a picture of dinner. So I guess we can pretend things are normal.


Jun. 17th, 2017 11:42 am
turbogrrl: (Default)
[personal profile] turbogrrl
so, we've signed our life away in all varying forms; we closed on the construction loan yesterday. otoh, that means we started construction in advance of closing on the loan, which was *also* terrifying. but we are now almost three weeks or so ahead of schedule, so that is nice. I am sure we will lose that time somewhere else :)

things are fine. by which i mean, things are fine on the surface but with a chance of spontaneous superheating at any moment. congress *and* treasury are doing their level best to shut down our agency, and I really don't know how this particular game of chicken plays out. It puts me in a weird position. It is probably fairly easy for me to find another job-- even within the government, if I so choose, though the nuances of that are hard to calculate. The gov't opportunities I can more easily move to are all appropriated agencies, which would be a significant pay/benefit cut. If I just wait things out until they do a RIF, then there are procedures in place to move to other agencies while still receiving the same salary for at least a year or two (unclear that any of the additional benefits would stay, though), but who knows if those opportunities will still be available in the fall, which is when any likely RIF process would start? The flip side is that my employment is probably pretty safe-- given that I am 90% of a very senior engineer in three disciplines, there are a lot of tasks I can pivot to, unlike many of my colleagues. And then, of course, I'm not really invested in being a gov't employee. I'm nowhere near vested in the pension fund; hell, I have another year until I'm fully vested in in my TSP. I could easily just pivot back to industry. But I hate the idea of just abandoning my team, and so I haven't applied to any jobs.

And then there is the outstanding question of will we have a kid? Things have gotten more complicated in that I've finally discovered what has caused my bouts of arrhythmias over the years, and its kind of critical to the pregnancy process. Basically, elevated progesterone causes my heart to go into extended tachycardias. They first showed up a while after I had the Mirena IUD installed, which makes sense as Mirena releases small amounts of progesterone. SVTs aren't typically deadly, of course, but mine tend to last for 6-20 hours. Combined with some other things, I suspect that pregnancy could possibly be more than typically fatal for me-- maybe 10-15% chance? And I really can't decide if I care. I mean, life is ultimately fatal. And some part of me is convinced I'm never going to live in the new house, maybe this is why. On the bright side, if I got pregnant again and it killed me the house would be paid for? This is how my brain works. I spent my last SVT event just sitting up and writing my will. Which, you know, I really needed to do anyway, especially now that our financial life has gotten so complicated. I even got up and made the needed appointment with lawyers, so hooray for motivation.

Let me know if there's anything of my physical stuff you want. I suspect Nick would most likely toss most of it... well, except for the cars.


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the complete all-american de-anxietized argent

June 2017


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